my favorite way to fix pot roast:
arise at least 12 hours before dinner time.
place 3 or 4 pounds of the greasiest chuck roast cut you can find in the crock pot.
flick some salt on it; smear with grainy mustard.
put on the lid and – now this is important – turn the crock pot ON to LOW.
go about your business. come back in 12 hours. the meat looks sinister and black. this is a sign that it has surrendered, and become as meek as room temperature butter. it is now safe to eat.
p.s. if your crock pot is less than 10 years old, the recipe reads this way: take your crock pot. put it in your car. drive to your favorite thrift store. place your crock pot in the donation bin; you won’t be needing it anymore. (the lowest cooking temperature on slow cookers been raised to placate the attorneys, and is now useless to deliver the lazy death pot roast requires.) go to the small appliances aisle in the thrift store. pick out a crock pot that looks like your mom’s – any shade of burnt orange, avocado, gold or ducks with ribbons around their necks will do. purchase it for not more than $10. drive home. proceed as directed above.
p.p.s. after completing step one, it is acceptable to go back to sleep for as long as you can get away with it.