After finishing my morning due diligence yesterday, filling my etsy store with chotchkes (not latkes), I found myself anxiously avoiding the decision of what to do with my afternoon.  Since I have so many competing aspirations (if not inspirations), the pressure to make the right decision is often uncomfortable enough to drive me to paralysis.  “What to do? What to do?”

Cleverly, I thought, “Oh, I will have a meditation break and investigate this a little,” and plopped me down on the $1 shabby rose needlepoint foot-stool which serves as my meditation bench.  And there, dear friends, I proceeded to tumble very close to the edge of the Cliffs of What The Hell?  For it turned out that this superficially modest sense of uncertainty was a secret tunnel to the Lair of a Very Large Dragon, who guards my anxiety about earning a living.  Recently, I’d thought he and I were better friends, but he must have gotten a new fuel delivery yesterday, because the blast of fear and judgement he sent my way singed my new mindful-super-hero cape. Just in the nick of time, I heard myself say, “Brenna, open your eyes.”  And here I was, back in my own Backyard.

Where did the dragon fuel come from?  The book I’ve been reading was, I think, making me too vulnerable; so I’ve put it away and I’ll stick with my other practices.  We don’t have to be super brave to win; outwitting depression and anxiety is a long con, after all.  The main virtue is to stay in the game. One practice in this book, though, did unhinge me in just the right way, and my heart dictated these words to me this morning, in safety, encapsulating what I needed to know.  I hope I can remember it all:

letting go of suffering, I allow kindness to emerge;
letting go of fear, I allow kindness to emerge;
letting go of judgement, I allow kindness to emerge;
letting go of separation, I allow kindness to emerge;
letting go of aversion, I allow kindness to emerge;
letting go of knowing, I allow kindness to emerge;
letting go of attachment, I allow kindness to emerge;
letting go of the future, I allow kindness to emerge;
letting go of the past, I allow kindness to emerge;
letting go of security, I allow kindness to emerge;
letting go of my schedule, I allow kindness to emerge;
letting go of letting go, I allow kindness to emerge.

If one is feeling more positively minded, one could also say:

trusting in happiness, i allow kindness to emerge;
trusting in peace, i allow kindness to emerge;
trusting in oneness, i allow kindness to emerge;
trusting in patience, i allow kindness to emerge;
trusting in the present moment, i allow kindness to emerge;
trusting in clear seeing, i allow kindness to emerge;
trusting in clear listening, i allow kindness to emerge;
trusting in lovingkindness, i allow kindness to emerge
trusting in trust, i allow kindness to emerge.

Normally, I don’t like praying because it validates the concept of a withholding Universe that seems implausible to me.  The Universe is certainly unfair and unjust, but withholding?  That’s for human beings.  Hence, I am not asking, I am telling. Why should we have to beg for qualities such as trust, patience, clear seeing, lovingkindness, which are free for the taking?

And so, this morning, I decided that I can,  and I will.