I try to remember that I might want to come back and re-read this blog post someday in the future. Do I really want to remember how today hurt me so much, how it felt like a re-run of summer camp, where over and over I learned the lesson that there is no place for me in anyone else’s plans?
The problem is that whether I write about how today feels or not, I won’t forget. Each failure accumulates, a granule of silt from the Difficult Period, leaving trace elements in every part of me. That is how I come to be myself, for good or for ill.
One thing I won’t do is turn my back on some emotional, unappealing part of me. The whole picture has to be included to make sense. I wish this involved more success and recognition for my sweeter side. On the other hand, undreamed events and things might be the means for me to fulfill what my life is meant for. And I guess the disagreeable side of me, non-compliant and uncooperative, stands ready to handle the rest.