Life Is Real, Life Is Earnest

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Today I want to tell the terrible truth about yesterday.  The entire day of November 2, I did not consciously remember even once what day it was.  On November 1st, I remembered what day it would be tomorrow.  Even on October 31, I knew yesterday was coming.

I just couldn’t remember that for five years, from yesterday onwards, Dad isn’t here anymore.  Now I feel awful, like my brain was caked with some kind of insulation keeping out this one plain, precious fact.  I think my circuits are too overloaded for one more sadness.

I could have done something yesterday for my Dad, something from inside.  Maybe I did anyway.  With Dad, my remaining inner connection takes an uncertain form, a slowly rising silence like a question I can’t quite ask, yet somehow an answer comes.  It’s different from the flashes of intuition that clearly unfold from Mom – so specific, so real, they are like electric shocks.

The botanic kaleidoscope at Olbrich Gardens would have amused my Dad wonderfully.   He was not that grown-up of a kid, in the end – a blessing and a curse I have definitely inherited.  When I picture him standing with me there at the scope, watching the copper kettle of  desiccated blossoms rotate through the faceted reflections,  I see us about the same age – 8 or 9 or so, taking turns watching the wonders rise and fall.

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One thought on “Life Is Real, Life Is Earnest

  1. Brenna,
    I have had the same experience, it is your tender heart trying not to feel the loss, to save you from the pain. Unfortunately, when you do remember, guilt kicks in…I think this is “normal.” Your heart was letting you experience the love you feel even though your brain was shutting off the pain.

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