Alright dear, we’ve gotten to Wednesday so that’s some sort of accomplishment. Today really wasn’t the best. At the moment, I have a lot of people telling me mostly all the things I’m doing wrong or that they want me to change – and I’m really not good at that kind of stress. I can never take “Just do it” for an answer. I went for a hot-blooded walk on campus to let off some steam, but it didn’t help. I was so frustrated, I did finally cry on the way back. When you only hear about the bad things you do, it’s as if the good things never happened. It’s too much like being married to someone who doesn’t like you. And I was not really good at that, either.
But then tonight, I did something else – bellydancing! For a while I could only find one bellydance teacher in Madison, and she was impatient with beginners – so I didn’t go back. But a friend at work told me about this place, and it was FUN! The teacher was zaftig as a bowl of peach ice cream, and very encouraging. At the end of class, she danced for us, with a look of amused suspense her face – as if her body’s rolling, snapping rhythms were beyond her conscious control. The fat dancers really are the sexiest. I couldn’t look away!
I’m thinking about something my friend showed me, to find some way to come back to my heart, irrespective of my head. I wish I had remembered it today. I felt so alone, cramped into a boxy little meeting room, dissecting my inadequate file naming. What he showed me isn’t the same as mindfulness or meditation. It’s much harder. Protecting my heart is the whole reason my thoughts take the form they do. Showing this love has meant a lot. I really didn’t expect it.
And there we will leave the Stream of Consciousness, honey, for the Land of Nod. Boy, I miss you tonight. I would have liked to talk to you today. And now, I guess we did.
Sleep tight, dear. I will write you tomorrow.