EmptyLaces

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“I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor.  Believe me, rich is better.”
attributed to Sophie Tucker

“I’ve been depressed and I’ve been not depressed.  Believe me, not depressed is better.”
attributed to Brenna Hopkins

I guess it’s mostly good news.

One sunny week – in fact, a sunny week just 2 weeks ago – I realized my depression had returned, and not in a polite, “Excuse me,” sort of way, but in more of a jagged teeth, and “Doesn’t your heart and soul look tasty?” sort of way.  As I write this, I realize, I do see depression as a kind of predator, stalking the thoughts you don’t want to think, turning them into thoughts you can’t think or else…

When I heard myself thinking the thoughts of depression, and felt myself gulping against the pain of depression, I was surprised.  Surprised by fury, and swiftness, and stealth with which it had stolen my mind.  Yeah, the stealth.  I had realized my emotions were stirred up, but honestly, I was lulled into overconfidence.  “I can do this.  I’m not that person anymore.”  The good news is, I have gotten used to not feeling depressed.  But it turns out, I am that person, still.

Respecting your opponent is a priceless lesson, and one I am grateful with all my heart to have learned, sustaining only minor injuries, mainly to my pride.  The scuffle is over, for the most part.  The tiger is back in its cage, a little restless but cooperating.    The sun is filtering in.   I took this picture without thinking about how much it said about the moment I was in.  The empty places are always there.  It’s how the light is falling on them that matters.

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