Nothing’s Going to be OK, but What if it Is?


At some point, maybe I just have to let go of the idea that after things go wrong, they get better.  For example, as soon as I paid off my car loan (last Tuesday), my philosopher mechanics discovered my power steering pump was seeping (last Saturday).  We can repair the pump, but too much fixing is a losing game on a car which has accumulated 100,000 miles in 3 years (over 187K last oil change).  So now I can add car shopping to my list of things I can’t avoid doing.  It is a First-World problem to be sure, but even a month or two without the car payment would have helped me bounce back from my rent increase, and my student loan payment being raised (federal law requires it to be large enough to actually pay it off during the term of the loan – imagine that?)

I know it is boring to read about my dollars and cents, and why would anyone but me care?  But you know, this is really the day to day of my life lately.  A little window seems to open somewhere, but it slams down on my fingers when I try to climb out.  The karmic boomerangs seem to have come so swiftly in the past year or so, I am starting to question why I keep standing up, only to get clocked in the head by the rotating blade.

It’s only fair, though, to question the other side of the coin as well.  What if these events are gnawing away at nothing but my fantasy of how things are supposed to work out?  What if the irritants and anxieties are only flowing along with the largeness of life that I am part of?  What if nothing works out, but everything goes along as it is?  Where am I then?

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