Always Violets

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The day starts out hopeful, but it doesn’t take long.  Pretty soon, the camera system breaks, and no one knows why.  Once we can make images, the software exports them to a black hole of its own choosing.  We have to launch a search and rescue mission for what little work we’ve done.  Cheerfully, an assistant wheels over a third cart full of work for me to complete today, even though I already have 2 carts, labelled “1 of 2,” and “2 of 2.”  I ask out loud, “Why would I wonder if there was a third cart?” and bless this thoughtful person who has saved me from a very bad mistake.  It takes a lot of effort to squeeze a completed capture out of the infrastructure.

This picture was a pretty lazy gesture.  It’s only ribbon violets, balanced on a hanger draped with lace, all from my grandmother’s belongings.  I didn’t try very hard, and I don’t really know if any magic happened.  That’s for you to decide.  All the struggle came in the days when I wasn’t making anything.  That’s really work.  Remembering those days makes me want to sit down and have a cup of coffee.  The rest of what I do is  just how I keep myself from remembering.

EmptyLaces

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“I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor.  Believe me, rich is better.”
attributed to Sophie Tucker

“I’ve been depressed and I’ve been not depressed.  Believe me, not depressed is better.”
attributed to Brenna Hopkins

I guess it’s mostly good news.

One sunny week – in fact, a sunny week just 2 weeks ago – I realized my depression had returned, and not in a polite, “Excuse me,” sort of way, but in more of a jagged teeth, and “Doesn’t your heart and soul look tasty?” sort of way.  As I write this, I realize, I do see depression as a kind of predator, stalking the thoughts you don’t want to think, turning them into thoughts you can’t think or else…

When I heard myself thinking the thoughts of depression, and felt myself gulping against the pain of depression, I was surprised.  Surprised by fury, and swiftness, and stealth with which it had stolen my mind.  Yeah, the stealth.  I had realized my emotions were stirred up, but honestly, I was lulled into overconfidence.  “I can do this.  I’m not that person anymore.”  The good news is, I have gotten used to not feeling depressed.  But it turns out, I am that person, still.

Respecting your opponent is a priceless lesson, and one I am grateful with all my heart to have learned, sustaining only minor injuries, mainly to my pride.  The scuffle is over, for the most part.  The tiger is back in its cage, a little restless but cooperating.    The sun is filtering in.   I took this picture without thinking about how much it said about the moment I was in.  The empty places are always there.  It’s how the light is falling on them that matters.

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Sunflower Shoes

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By the time I found the sunflower field, it was not only late in the day, but late in their life cycle.  Stems once as stiff and tall as bamboo saplings curved earthwards, weighted by their precious cargo of seeds forming in the wake of the labor of bees and other pollinators.  Shriveled petals shivered in the breeze and sun, like feathers ready to float away.  The more I tried to look the sunflowers in their soft brown eyes, the more my own eye grew silent.  I wanted simply to stroll along, shoulder to shoulder with these friends. letting them be as they were, absorbing the afternoon warmth.  I walked the full length of the field, reaching a small grove of oaks, and turned to look behind me.

From where I stood, their lemony radiance was a total surprise.    I had never imagined what I might find behind the sunflowers, facing towards their homing compass.   I could see what the sunflowers saw, and together we seemed to be wanting the same thing:  to let ourselves be drawn into something warm, to be filled with the mysterious power of light, and to become the Self we are already waiting to find.

Sunflower To-Do

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To Do list for Sunflowers:
Nod in a friendly way to all passers-by
Employ countless bumblebees
Shelter Eastern Kingbird, Eastern Bluebird, Eastern Meadowlark, Vesper Sparrow, Clay-colored Sparrow, Sedge Wren, Orchard Oriole and Henslow’s Sparrow
Turn toward the light

Countless Hellos

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Like all illusions of infinity – halls of mirrors and oceans come to mind – the more you walk toward an endlessness of sunflowers, the further their vastness slips from your grasp.  All you can do is wait.  They will come to you.

A Spot of Creative & Tea

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I guess I am always looking backwards, or inwards, which explains why my pictures look the way they do.  I like recesses, and shadows, and how the closer you look at something, the less certainty there is around the edges.  So, on a day when creating something seems too painful,  sometimes I trick myself by saying, “Just use the camera for 10 or 15 minutes.”

It helps to have a miniature Blue Willow tea set under those circumstances.  Not everyone is so lucky.

PamMoWriNov!

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In honor of my sister, Pamela Berkman-Saky, for her efforts to coax a novel from the month of August, these are the heaviest hitters I can currently muster for Intercession with her Muse.  That’s Dante on the left, Diana on the right, and the Bard of Avon, center.  This is a pretty good crew to have looking over your shoulder.  I learned from Wikipedia that Dante’s contribution to the literary language called “Italian” is as pivotal as Chaucer’s was to English.  Diana is not only the goddess of the hunt, the moon and birth –  things any artist needs in her metaphoric quiver – but a twin.  Oaks are her sacred tree.  It so happens that her festival is tomorrow, August 13th.

Mull over the synchronicity here in your imaginations for a little while, and get back to me with your insights…Go, Pammy!

Hurts? So, Good….

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A useful piece of information is finally sinking in to my cranium, and I do not like it one little bit.  “Brenna,”  I have begun to say to myself, “This is probably going to hurt a little.”  I said it to myself last night as I got ready to disassemble an old computer for the scrap heap, a task I have been avoiding since at least 2009.  I said it to myself this morning when I noticed how unpleasant it was going to be to fold the sheets up, once I got out of them, which transition I also was scheming to avoid as long as possible.*

The source of the pain is a gear in my noggin that spins frantically when I try mightily to do the right thing.  How many years – YEARS, people –  did I stare at that dust encrusted Dell, knowing I just needed to pry from its clutches a few precious images of my doggies, and some bookkeeping records in case of IRS?  Sunrise, sunset, and all the while I was simply avoiding a painful thought – “How the hell am I going to scrub the hard drive?”

Facing the painful fear of hard-drive destruction, and sitting through the tears of disappointment and regret that have plagued me this week are not really that different.  In some ways, the perfectionism is exactly the same.  I don’t want to feel failure.  I don’t want to feel disappointment.  But the truth is, some feelings I can handle, some feelings are overwhelming for me, and the only possible passage between those two states is a bridge of time and self-forgiveness.  Perversely, telling myself, “This is going to hurt,” lessens my worry about how much these feelings are going to hurt in the future.  It’s an honest perspective that focusses my attention in the here and now, and I need that immediate sanity more than I need hope.

And the punchline to the story?  Ding Dong, the Dell is Dead! Carried away by two tattooed hunks from a local charity which contracts with an eCycler (hard drive shredding included) for a percentage of the profits.  They came to my door.  They picked up the computer.  They did it for free.  How great is that?

Well, it did hurt a little.

*I do like loading the dishwasher.  I mean, if ever there was a perfectly painless task, an incentive that needed no sugar coating of any kind, it is the promise of warm, squeaky dishes that you did not have to wash yourself.  Pure, f**king heaven, if you ask me..

Sing Us A Song, I’m the Painter Man…

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I was a little unnerved yesterday afternoon when I noticed a man standing on the shingled overhang adjacent my living room window, right next to the chair where I was reading.  The sun was shining, I figured I could escape out my front door, and since it has been promised for many years that my porch would be painted, I thought, “Well, ooohkaaay….”  But, it is a second story window, so you know…people out there are just unexpected.  A full grown human walking around on a tiny patch of roof that, as far as I know, has no more structural integrity than a wet newspaper, just seemed unsafe.    All in all, I figured he was in greater peril than me.  Not wanting to startle him off his perch, I moved quietly away from the window, and stayed away until he left.

This morning I hear the rumble of metal dragging across the asphalt driveway below my apartment.  My painter has returned, and here comes his ladder between my porch and my window.  I go outside to say hello.  A skinny kid with 3 Musketeer-ey facial hair looks up at me cheerfully, whistling as he leans the ladder on the building.  He is keeping his wool, Irish cap on despite the heat, thus preserving the dignity of his artistic nature as he labors.  “Hi!”  I say.  “Hi!” he replies, “Is it ok if I paint your porch?” “Sure, why not?”  I explain my concerns about startling him yesterday, and he laughs.  “No worries,” he says.  I go inside, and the painter promptly climbs onto my little overhang and forgets that he is not alone.

For, accompanying thuds of paint slapping into place, mostly, my friends – mostly – the painter outside my window is talking to himself and humming as if no one else can hear.  “In the land of a thousand suns!”  he has just bellowed, twice in a row, rehearsing perhaps, an embellished version of his work day to regale his friends when it is Local Brew time.  “Thunder Man!”  he has chimed out, tunefully trumpeting the arrival of a superhero in his imagination.  I thought he might be chatting on a phone embedded in his ear, but his outbursts of sung and spoken fanfare interrrupt the one sided conversation so abruptly and enthusiastically, only the most besotted of lovers could endure it.  Every so often, he whistles (much better than he sings), and once or twice has cracked himself up hilariously.  God help me, he has just undertaken a solo rendition of “Piano Man…”  Ladadadadeeedaaaaaahaaaa……

And there it stands – I have been unexpectedly gifted by a porch-eye view into the nature of private human happiness.  The story for today has come to me.  It is about time for lunch.  Should I offer Piano Thunder Man a little snack or drink?  It seems risky – I do not want to disturb his reverie, startling him away from the Land of a Thousand Suns, back to the side of my little building, where there is really nothing to do but paint, and keep your feet on the ground.

Rosey Thoughtfuls

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While there is no denying that the general usefulness or necessity of today’s picture is debatable, its usefulness and necessity to me is not in question.  And while I know that digital imaging has somehow spoiled much of the beauty of the photographic process for many thoughtful and talented artists, I am so deeply, almost inexpressibly grateful for its becoming available to mere mortals like myself, because I know that there is no everlovin’ way I would be making pictures – this picture or any others – if film was still the only word.  So I thank you for your forgiveness, and send you some squidgey roses taking form from the nothing, the Great Nothing, which is always ready to Bloom.